I was in a session with a client, and she’d had a bad week. A really bad week. But not a surprisingly bad week. She’d been in a job she found frustrating, in a company she disliked working for, with a boss she clashed with. Every day. So it wasn’t surprising to either of us when she explained everything that had made her feel exhausted and down about the week.
Did she want to leave? No.
She couldn’t quite understand this conflict she was experiencing. Despite all the negativity, the ongoing impact, the consistency of dealing with it every single day, knowing no change was coming, when it came to walking away, it was a no.
What makes it so hard to say no? This was the question that floored her in the end. What is making it so hard to say no?
As it turned out, all the reasons to go were fundamental to this particular job: the company values, the boss, the nature of the work, the culture. All the reasons to stay were fundamental to a job in general: the comfort within the discomfort of routine, financial security, not being unemployed, the unknown of what the next job, company or industry would look like.
“It sounds like you feel trapped?” I said.
“Yes. That’s it. I feel trapped. I am trapped.”
And there it was, like a bad relationship. Knowing it wasn’t doing any good, affecting happiness, affecting her ability to succeed in the job, chipping away at confidence every day. And on the other side, fear of the unknown and the uncertainty of having no job, without the energy or motivation left to look for one. Trapped.
That distinction was a big insight
The reasons to leave belonged to this job. The reasons to stay belonged to any change: routine, security, the unknown. Those are two different problems presenting as one feeling.
If everything holding you in place is really about the uncertainty of any transition, then “should I leave this job?” isn’t quite the right question yet. The better question is what would make change less frightening: what information, what safety net, what smaller first move. The job isn’t the trap. The unknown is, and the unknown can be worked on.
It’s not uncommon. It’s also surprisingly easy to convince ourselves that it’s “not that bad”, “it’ll get better”, “change will come”. And whilst sometimes that might be true, there’s a level of awareness worth reaching in these moments: How else could it be?
Evaluating the quality of something against versions of itself, with however much hope and optimism you have, is very limiting. It’s like looking at a restaurant menu and ordering the same thing every time, thinking it might be a little better this time, ignoring the rest of the menu, all the other options you might really enjoy, if only you made a conscious choice and turned the page to take a look.
My point here is this: make a conscious choice to take a look. Inside and out.
If you’re in a similar situation, look inside first. What are all of your fears, worries and concerns? Think about them, write them out (the Fear Inventory is a structured way to do exactly this). What do you know to be true? Capture facts and rational thoughts. Stay in the reality of the situation: not as the personal pessimist or the hopeful optimist. Just as it is.
If that’s hard to do alone (it’s not easy), involve someone you’re comfortable with, someone who’s a good listener and will let you explore and talk it through.
There’s no answer here, by the way. I don’t have a magic solution. But I do know that if you start to think about things, raise your awareness of your situation, understand why you’re feeling trapped, what’s trapping you, what’s real, what’s not, what’s stopping you, what’s scaring you, you will start to unravel the thoughts and emotions keeping you trapped. And then you can turn the menu over and start to explore how else it could be.
And the first moves out of a trap are almost never dramatic. A conversation. A question asked of someone doing something different. An honest hour with the fears list. Small, reversible steps that cost you nothing but attention, and start to replace the unknown with information. Releasing yourself from a trap is about real awareness of your situation and a real understanding of your options, so you can make change happen, in your own time.
If the trapped feeling is familiar and you’d like to untangle yours out loud, a first conversation is free and takes about 30 minutes. Bring the conflict as it is; that’s what it’s for.
